It must have been quite a rude awakening if your BMI level exceeds 25 (BMI is short for Body Mass Index, obesity starts at 25). Our Vietnamese tour guide, who bore more resemblance to a crazy native American Indian who likes his bong, started his tour with a very extensive and rather painful explanation as to why Vietnamese people are not fat. “They don’t eat cheeeeeeessseeeee!”. He continued by pleading his allegiance to the American soldiers who once roamed the streets of Saigon (an exceptional statement in a communist country which still oozes a grizzly pride for killing and torturing so many of the ‘US aggressor’ through ‘educational’ videos and information boards at every historical war-site).
Winnetou would take us to the infamous Cu Chi tunnels: hide out of Viet Cong fighters, littered with very creative but gruesome booby-traps. The Viet Cong actually lived inside those tunnels underground, not visible if you would have taken a casual stroll there with B-52s doing some extensive landscaping from the sky. It was mentioned, before entering the tunnels, that they have been doubled the size for the sake of the tourists (and probably the poor soul who would’ve otherwise had the pitiful task of midwifing the overweight tourist out of the narrow tunnels).
I entered feeling confident; it would be only a short crawl. When the moment came I imagined we would be at the end, we were instead going one level deeper (6 meters below the surface). By the time we had to go deeper yet another level (9 meters), I was in a state of subdued hyperventilation and fled for the ‘tourist-that-shit-their-pants-stairs’ to breathe a big gulp of air. American burgers -woops- soldiers would have never-ever fit through the original tunnels.
That evening I stumbled upon the epitome of ‘Skinny bitch-nation’: a mobile BMI-meter. For only 5000 Dong you could be enlightened by the knowledge of your own BMI. As a professional Skinny Bitch I of course went for it. The result will remain top-secret.
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